Only A Dream Away
by Noble Maiden
Summary: Anthy begins to realize just how much Utena means to her. How will Utena respond when she finds out? Shojo-ai!


_Only A Dream Away Okay, it took awhile, but I finally posted this story. I was being really lazy! Plus, my Internet was acting like a real pig and wouldn't let me online to upload things. How tragic! It's working again though, miraculously. In any case, this fic is about Anthy and how she comes to discover just how much Utena means to her. It's set in the Student Council Saga, right in the middle somewhere. The storyline never really reveals if Anthy was engaged to any of the other council members before the series began, so I just took the liberty to imagine what that was all like, before Utena came along. When I first fell in love with Revolutionary Girl Utena, I didn't really like Anthy that much. But after I got through the whole series, I found myself drawn to her for some reason. I'm not sure why, but I suppose I identify with her on some level I don't really understand. Whatever the reason, Utena is a beautifully complex and addicting series for which I enjoyed writing. Of course, because I am really sappy and pathetic, I decided to once again dedicate this to my Haruka. Hee! She is just so wonderful! I love you Katie! Yeah, I should be shot.I hope everyone enjoys this story. Please tell me what you think! Oh yeah, I don't own Utena. Lastly, before we begin, I would like to share a quote from a favorite book of mine that I think captures the essence of not only this story, but of life itself: "This is it. This is what night is for, what arms are for. This is why people lie beside each other, what life is. This is the point of it all. Falling.falling.falling in love."_

**Only A Dream Away**

I feel at ease here, in the rose garden. Within this maze of intricately curved steel bars and glass windows, my loneliness dissipates as the heavy, intoxicating scent of freshly watered beauties permeates the air. Perhaps that is why I find myself amongst the roses more often than not. I brush a lavender strand of hair behind my ear as I pluck an aphid off a tender green leaf. I have been here for hours. Time seems to pass quickly in this place. My back aches with a dull throb from the heaviness of the watering can, but it pleases me to see a job well done. My gaze turns upward to the top of my enclosed enviroment. "I am a bird, and this is my cage," I murmur to myself. Raising a slender arm, I grab one of the vines above and shake gently, sending a colorful cascade of petals streaming down all around me. Setting the now empty can aside I pick up the small wicker basket left by the gardens entrance and gather handfuls of the fallen treasures. They are light and silky between my fingers. Burying my face in my hands I run my lips across a few of the stray petals. They taste.like snow and sunshine, piano melodies and laughter. They taste like faraway exotic places that I want to someday visit, like warm weeping feathers, and crystals wrapped lovingly in early morning dew. They taste like heaven. I flick my tongue against the delicate sweetness. I bet your lips taste like this. It is getting dark now, and as much as I would like to stay, I know it's time to head back. I finish filling the basket, give the flowers one last wistful glance, and exit the garden, stepping into the night.

The cool wind caresses the back of my neck like a lovers whispered breath. It's completely dark now, and there are no others out on the campus. The moon is my only companion this evening. I wrap my free arm across my chest in an effort to warm myself, and suppress a sigh. I wish I were in your arms right now, safe and comforted by your strong embrace. I blink in confusion. Wait, that isn't right. I am the Rose Bride, a mere doll with no heart. All of my emotions died a long time ago.didn't they? For most of my life, I've wandered around in what seemed to be a dream. People come in and out of my life, brushing past me like shadows. Nothing matters. Nothing is important. I exist, but I don't live. I died a long time ago, and no one can save me now. In the beginning, when the duels began, I felt differently about that. When the student council was formed I thought that perhaps one of them could be my prince. Surely one of those duelists would be pure enough, noble enough to be given the power to revolutionize the world, right? So the dueling game began, and I painfully learned about the wasteful weaknesses of humanity. There is no hope. Only a very long string of disappointments wait those foolish enough to seek salvation.  
First I was engaged to Miki. It did not last very long. He was young, and quite naïve. Right from the start he was kind. He talked to me with respect, and we spent much time together. I will say, he was a decent companion. Some say he adored me. But I know the truth. After a time, something in him shifted. Miki stopped seeing me as Anthy, as a person. In fact, he stopped seeing me at all. His eyes glazed over when he turned my way, and it was then that I realized that to him I was only a projection of his own desires. I became a possession, an image of the Rose Bride-nothing more. The dream I bore in my heart of being saved, of being real, was buried under the smoldering reality of my existence. There is nothing else. There is no prince. After realizing this I stopped caring what happened to Miki during the duels. Soon after, he was beaten-by Juri.

At first, being engaged to a woman seemed strange. The habits of women are different from those of men. She didn't spend much time with me in public like Miki did. But I liked the way she clumsily reached for me in the dark, in her bed, dropping an arm across my waist groggily. Everyone admired Juri, so I felt honored to be her bride.at first anyway. After a few weeks however, she changed, as all things do. Something began to eat at her, making her cold and bitter. She began murmuring to herself when she though I wasn't around, and her hands flew furiously to her breast quite often to wrap possessively around the locket of gold which hung there. I cared about Juri, more than I did for Miki. I desperately wanted to help her, to make her love me. Then maybe she could have escaped the demons that tortured her sleep. I wasn't strong enough. Juri just became more and more engrossed in her mutilated past. There was nothing I could do to save her, or myself. She couldn't love me after all. Why would she? I'm not even real. I slowly began to hate her for being so weak. How could anyone allow themselves to be held captive by their own emotions? Pathetic. Someone that fragile could not hope to gain the power of revolution. So she lost in the next duel, and I was thrust into the arms of a living nightmare-Saiounji.  
If things were bad with the previous duelists, I soon found that they were nothing compared to this. I was mildly surprised when he revealed his vicious cruelty. But that soon gave way to morbid apathy. I never responded to his abuse. Never. He struck me across the face, and left blue marks all over my skin. I watched as he pulled out the blood from my body in long threads of purple and rouge. He bound my hands behind me and made me.do things. I never cried, I never struggled. Why bother? But oh how I hated him. Soon I couldn't even remember who I was or what my own thoughts were anymore. I remember one time I threw my hand into a mirror. It scattered shards of my broken reflection across the room. I watched the crimson streams flow down my arm. Yes. I could feel this at least. My sleep began to be filled with strange images. I dreamt I was locked in a coffin. I wanted to get out, but I just didn't know how. Then, I heard the lid open, felt warm, clear air rush in, and a voice saying softly, "Someday, we'll shine together." I brushed the dream aside, what are dreams worth anyway? But then.but then you came along. You beat Saiounji in a duel and took me for your own. That was quite a while ago, and we are still together. It's different now. You are not like them, not like anyone else I've ever known. You can have all the power in the world, but for some reason, all you seem to care about is making me happy. There is a song in the breeze now that I can no longer ignore. There is a skip in my step that I can't pretend doesn't exist. Something has changed, but what?

All of these memories have made my head ache a little. Before I know it, I have arrived home. The door to our room is unlocked, but the lights are all out. I flip on the switch and look around. You aren't here. Now I remember, you said this morning that you had a date tonight with the student council president, with Touga. My eyes darken and black butterflies swarm into my heart. Their wings are razor sharp. You don't care about me after all, you love.you love Touga, not me. How could I have forgotten, that it is he who you come home and talk about. It is with him you would rather be with. Again, I am nothing. Nothing at all. I slump into a nearby chair, letting the petal-filled basket fall at my side. Why should it matter, what does this mean to me? I never anticipated being more than the Rose Bride, so .why? The answer rises up instinctively. I love you. I sit up straight as tears roll down my face. Somewhere along the way I have fallen in love with you. Despite the fact that I have no heart, and despite the fact that I am not real, I love you. I smile. It feels so good to know the truth now. This is my revolution. You helped me to break free of the world in which I was trapped. You are my prince, and you saved me from nothingness, from myself. I walk over to our bed and shower it with the petals I have collected. My hands joyously let loose a myriad of colors, and they look so beautiful falling on top of the covers like this. They look like eternity. I don't know how to tell you how I am feeling. I don't know how to say, I love you. But I hope you will see this and know, even if you do not feel the same way about me. Soon the bed is covered with rose petals, and I turn the lights back out, sit down in a chair, and wait for your return.

It isn't long before you arrive. I hear your hand on the doorknob, your hand against the wall, seeking the light switch. When the room is bright you see me and gasp. "Anthy, you scared me! I thought you'd be in bed by now!" Your face softens and she relaxes. "Thank you for waiting for me, it was sweet of you." I smile "Not at all Utena-sama, how was your date with Touga?" You sigh as you approach me. "Well, it was pleasant enough, but I.he just doesn't make me happy like I thought he would. He isn't..." You trail off suddenly, seeing the bed for the first time. You leave my side and walk over to it silently. My chest is pounding. Will you know what I'm feeling? Will you understand? You laugh suddenly, loudly and exuberantly, and you jump on the bed, causing a few of the petals to fly up and get lost in a tangle of your pink hair. "Come here Anthy," you say as you gesture for me to come over. I walk shyly over to the side of the bed. You reach out, grab my hand, and pull me down to you. Our faces are inches apart and I can feel a light blush arise. Your eyes are clear and wonderful. "Anthy, thank you so much.for everything. And I love you too!" Every conscious thought leaves me as you tilt my head back to press your lips lovingly to mine. I can't believe it. This is it; this is what a miracle feels like. This is what being alive feels like. I can't believe this joy is mine. And you were only a dream away the whole time.


End file.
